Murder, Decapitation………..and Deliciousness

THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS GRAPHIC DETAILS AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOU IF YOUR BEST FRIEND HAS EVER CALLED YOU A NANCY.

These days I find myself becoming mostly a pescatarian. Not for any great reason except that fish is so readily available. I’ve never given a ton of thought over the process of field to plate. When I’ve eaten a steak, I imagine the cow I just devoured was standing quietly in a field when it simply passed away in its sleep of sheer boredom. Then magically appeared on my plate next to the mushrooms.

However, in the case of lobster quite the opposite is true.  

My good buddy Brett took me on a murderous journey on how to get a lobster from ocean to plate. For the sake of time, I’ve condensed it a bit, but the following will teach you precisely how to prepare this fanciful crustacean.

Step 1. 

Invade lobsters serene home and forcefully stab its body with a stainless steel shank. This won’t kill it, simply make it impossible to escape.

Step 2.

Once you’ve removed it from its natural watery environment, painfully rip the tail from the rest of its defenseless body, placing the head so it can now see its own meaty tail.

Step 3.

Remove just one of its still twitching antennas, and forcefully ram it straight up the ass. This is not simply done for fun, but when you remove the antenna it will eject said lobsters intestines.

Step 4.

At this point the lobsters head is unable to move simply from sheer shock of what it’s seeing. This is the perfect time to take a sharp knife, and split the shell straight down the middle all the way to the tail. Crack open the shell to reveal the meat, and gingerly tear the meat from the body. Be sure to take a knife and scrape off anything the antenna forgot to invade. Dignity for instance.

Step 5.

Your lobsters head has had quite the day, so be kind and return it to its natural environment. Within seconds its defenseless self will be greedily eaten by a passing shark. Hopefully undeterred by its missing antenna .

STEP 6.

Season meat and grill to perfection

Delicious.